Something smells like cabbage and carnies...

Ever wake up and just wonder if somewhere, someone is watching your life (i.e., The Truman Show) in real-time? It freakin sucks to feel like that. To actually wonder if someone is watching and laughing his or her butt off at you and the situations you get yourself into over your lifetime. Irony would probably make the screen turn blue to the person watching my life. Sometimes things just really suck and it seems like someone has to be watching for it to all actually make sense. I hope that it's someone other than God, because if it's just him watching, I am ticked off at him again and I hate it when I feel that way. He's God, it's not very wise to push your luck with him about most things because he has the final say and authority. Some things just don't make sense to me. Life would be a lot easier if it was more like handling a loaded gun. You know when you pick the thing up, the weight of the choices you can make with it. Waving it around would be totally stupid and irresponsible, just handling it seems somewhat safer. It doesn't come that easy most of the time for some reason in the real world regardless of how safely you handle the gun. This leaves me wondering if there is just something that I did to bring certain things upon myself. My thinking is going way beyond the simple behavior/consequences relationship which I consider to be a no brainer. There are just some things that couldn't have been foreseen by Gandalf or Merlin regardless of their skills and abilities. These things seem to materialize like beings boarding the Star Trek Enterprise and I know that rarely ever do things appear like this, but sometimes they do. They can seem totally unrelated to anything that proceeded them and I think they may actually not be connected in a major way at all. It's hard to not find minor connections, but major warning signs don't always manifest themselves even to the parties in question. It almost seems like God or the observer just decided to see what would happen if one variable was altered. How might things change if A=1 rather than A=6? It's like I think I hear laughing somewhere, but I know it's not actually there on a conscious level. It's in the preconscious somewhere barely spilling from the deep, dark depths of the mind. Elliott Smith, how is Miss Misery? I don't think I want to know. Expectations aren't a good or bad thing, however, how you handle not having them met successfully can turn you into something else entirely different. Boeings look great when they are flying high in the sky, but the same plane looks like some scary, grey bohemith on it's way to explode against the ground. Where am I right now Kubler-Ross?